Trump In Hell

Trump in Hell

By Bob Schildgen

Warning: Since we are entering a diabolical realm, be aware
that crude, irreverent, and obscene language may be encountered.

Cast of characters: Satan, Beelzebub, Lucifer, God, Donald Trump plus high-ranking Diabolical Assistants, who are all female; God’s angelic assistants Michael, Gabriel, Raphael, plus other God’s assistants who are female

Satan
Greetings to our gracious audience
we’re quite overjoyed with your attendance.
First though, allow me to explain that we
work, like God, in a sovereign trinity.
Our administrator is Lucifer.
(Points to Lucifer, who is asleep, snoring loudly.)
I’m Satan, his second in command.
Beelzebub
And I’m Beelzebub, third mighty hand:
in our major trinity of power and glory.
Satan
It is a difficult and lengthy story
to narrate how we got booted out by God,
but since you’ve heard that ancient tale before
we’ll zoom in and present our situation
as it now exists in God’s half-assed creation!
Diabolical Assistant Team
Hail Great Satan! We’re assembled here tonight
to hear you speak about a growing plight
that poses a major threat to our existence.
Satan
Yes. A threat that we must meet with fucking big resistance.
Fellow devils, I have some great concerns,
not with our smooth operation that burns
at its most regular and vital rate
to maintain sinners in a wretched state
as it has done since time itself began.
Diabolical Assistance Team
Which truly is a goddam drawn-out span!
But what can possibly be so out of whack?
Are we under some arcane divine attack?
Satan
No, no, dear friends, as you can plainly see,
our flames rise high, with bold resplendency
damn near enough to scorch the balls off God,
dangling down behind his big fat penile prod.
The problem lies right here with our own leader
Diabolical Assistance Team
What? Problems with our mighty Lucifer?
Satan
Yes, dear friends, with Lucifer himself, per se.
His motivation has simply slipped away.
He’s in such an inactive, torpid state
it’s like he’s planning to evaporate.
Look at him there, in a permanent nap.
Beelzebub
We must not put up with this kind of lazy crap.
(Lucifer on couch snores loudly, with highly irregular rhythms.)’Course you dumb fuckers did not even catch it.
Which shows why your grasp of life is so damn wretched.
While you sit there fondling your own big fat things
(The Diabolical Assistants are all very languidly masturbating.)
your enemy angelic dudes flap wings
and piss right down on you with God’s approval.
But instead of lobbying for his removal
you sit there with your stupid shitfaced grins
hoping that Big Fucker’ll let you back in.
Diabolical Assistant Team
If Lucifer’s in such a sorry state
how do you propose to reactivate
his intrinsic, basic, plenipotent gift?
Satan
By hopping on our transcendental lift!
Or if you prefer, strategic elevator!
I’d like to say, “So long, we’ll see you later.
With Beelzebub as my basic aide
Beelzebub
Aye, aye sir, I’m not one dang bit afraid

to put on a friendly human mask . . .
Satan
so nobody’ll be too tempted to ask
about our ongoing identity . . .
Beelzebub
And we’ll act as normal as we can be.
And I’ll clean up my son-bitching fucking awful goddam
language and smile—as gentle as God’s holy lamb.
Satan
And that’s a tall order when you recall
Beelzebub’s been dramatically cussing in all
the damn near infinite time we’ve been down here.
Diabolical Assistance Team
Doesn’t it require Lucifer’s OK
for such an unanticipated getaway?
Satan
If you can wake the lazy bastard now
and indicate precisely why and how
our basic involvement in this operation
rests on a powerful anticipation
of creating one lovely optimal mess
up there expanding Earth’s immense distress.
Diabolical Assistance Team
(Rushing to arouse the sleeping Lucifer, and singing.)
We beseech you, Master, to awake
and hearken to a fine proposal
for unless we’ve made a grave mistake
it’ll put the world at your disposal.
Beelzebub and Satan would appreciate
your solemn sacrosanct permission
to ascend to Earth in order to create
a gorgeously worse condition
for the wretched inhabitants up above
whose suffering is no longer up to snuff—
who need a stronger harsher shove—
our present torture’s not enough.
Lucifer
(Groaning and mumbling)
Frankly, boys, I can’t get too excited.
How many have we actually ignited?
Must be many millions by this point.
Their fumes are stinking up our whole damn  joint.
In fact, it would not be a big mistake
the if we just took a simple fucking break.
The goddam fucking Trinity might not agree,
but it seems entirely evident to me
that  humans do not need our  expert aid
to compound the most colossal mess they’ve made.
Initially,  they required our push to start.
Now, they’ve made real evil a wondrous art.
In fact, you guys might learn a thing or two
by watching all the nasty shit they do!
Satan
That’s an interesting point, Great Lucifer.
It makes me wonder, O noblest mighty sir
if it is possible that you’d concur
that Beelzebub and I might get away
for an extended upscale learning stay
up there to observe those human innovations;
their initiations of situations
that you regard as excellent applications
in the realm of valuable new creations.
Lucifer
Hell yes, GO, and allow me, please, to rest.
I hope it’ll expand your interest
in whatever you’re hoping to achieve.
But please, please, kindly hurry up and leave
so I can return to badly needed sleep
and lay right here in one relaxed fantastic heap.
Satan
Thanks, Lucifer, for your sound consultation.
We’ll now depart for that mighty earthly station.
Lucifer
Go, go, go, without further perturbation.
You’re delaying my absolute favorite pastime
which is to sink in slumber so sublime
that God engulfs himself in jealousy
when He observes how carefree Lucifer can be.
Satan
Good-by then, master of our splendid pit .
Beelzebub
We’ve thoroughly enjoyed this highly strategical  visit.
Satan
Now we’re off to scout affairs up there
and determine what most promising affair
might benefit from our transcendent genius.
Beelzebub
However, we’ll maintain communications between us.
Satan
But we promise not to interrupt the sleep
of Lucifer, whose need for rest seems deep
because leading a successful uprising
against a god obsessed with plain downsizing
his chorus of angels back when time began
long before he manufactured man,
in his dismal penchant for innovation
or what the old bastard calls unique creation.
Beelzebub
But Satan, now, you really must admit
that while humans are not really worth a shit
that makes them perfect candidates for temptation.
Satan
Except on those rather rare occasions
when they get distracted from creating havoc
and turn into a virtuous, pious flock.
Beelzebub
But Satan, we can arrest those tendencies.
Satan
Ah yes, we could accomplish that with ease.
Thanks for the reminder, noble comrade
although your sage advice is often bad
occasionally you—accidently— hit the mark.
Beelzebub
Thank you, Satan, for your honest and stark
analysis of my astounding strengths.
Satan
I could elaborate at greater lengths
regarding your alarming limitations
but I’ll ignore such trenchant observations.
Let’s gear up and make a swift ascent
into that troubling human element!

Act II

Trump
(Approaching a chair behind his White House desk
and settling down in it.)
How sweet it is to remount this lovely throne
and claim it as exclusively my own.
This time around, I’ve got more loyal types
who’ll support my totally legal gripes
against the bastards who resentfully
undermined my valid, fair, and frank election
by placing total trust in their selection of fake machines that purposely gave
millions of votes to illegal alien slaves.
Advisor
Yes, sir, and I do believe that early on
before the opportunity is gone
to pardon all your tried and true supporters
who busted into Congress without orders
but spontaneously in support of you?
Trump
Indeed,  that’s one thing I will surely do!
But please, assail me with other fine proposals.
Advisor
We have a plethora at our disposal.
A capacious, astounding great variety
all summarized in Project 2025:
900 detailed pages all alive
with proposals to liberate our nation
from the dire threat of left-wing usurpation.
It was produced by the Heritage Foundation
a strong right wing outfit, Way back in Eighty-one
it helped put Ronald Reagan on the throne!
Trump
Didn’t read it, but feel entirely  free
to rattle off more major points to me.

Advisor
There are so damn many, I’ll pick and choose
some dillies that I’m sure you can’t refuse.
Trump
Well, rattle on, rack up them big ideas—
and please do feel as absolutely free as
possible in your candid recitation
of your program to revitalize our nation!
Advisor
One mandate you can issue right away
is that any employee of the USA
is forbidden to support or enroll
in all organizations that extoll
rights of labor, which quite obviously distract
from basic legislation to enact
stricter work rules, and to limit pay.
Trump
Hell yes, I’ll crack down on that shit today!
Advisor
We have a substantial batch of more changes.
Trump
Contact me tomorrow. Now the golf ranges
are calling me to go out an recreate.
It’s a fine privilege for a gifted head of state.
(Satan and Beelzebub put on masks and rise up to Earth. As they leave the elevator, Satan and Beelzebub put on sunglasses. Lighting increases.)
Beelzebub
It’s way too goldarned freaking bright up here,
although the air itself is not too clear.
More like our habitat way down below
but it damn sure does lack our potent hellfire’s glow.
Satan
(Taking a newspaper from a newsstand. Begins to read.)
First, of course, we’ll need some orientation
to fully understand the situation.
Hmm. Interesting prospects on display!
War and mayhem expanding day by day
all over the doggone twirling globe
spiraling out, damn near beyond control.
Beelzebub
Israel blasting away at one single race.
Russia, Ukraine, and many another place.
Myanmar, Afghanistan, and Sudan.
Satan
India in a row with Pakistan.
They’ve accomplished all this without our aid?
Beelzebub
It’s enough to scare Lucifer himself afraid.
Imagine how much more chaotic things might be
if our languid-ass boss ’d set us free
earlier to promote some bigger, better wars.
Maybe even a major-minor nuclear exhibition of fearsome force?
Satan
That might be going just a bit too far.

Wipe ’em all out in one big nuclear war
and we lose our very reason for existence.
Beelzebub
Hard to veto your solid common sense.
Losing them’ d make our own immense loss more immense
and to be less immense’d be
immensely quite intense!
So, what the hell is our next move, Papa Satan.
Satan
Well, now, there’s considerable room for debatin’
but scanning these reliable news sources
it does appear that a plausible course is
to attempt to contact ol’ Donald Trump.
Greet the dude with my strategic fist bump.
Beelzebub
Who is that there Trump dude anyway?
Satan
Jesus, Bub, he’s president of the USA!
How the hell ’d you miss that basic fact?
Sometimes I wonder if your brain’s intact.
Beelzebub
Sorry, Great Satan. Sometimes I miss a thing or two.
Satan
That’s exactly why you need me! Let’s review
some avenues that could lead us up the chain
of command to contact the eminent brain
of Trump, because we have no direct connection . . .
Beelzebub
to that big shot who won the last U.S. election?
Satan
Precisely, Bub. Your insight can be so darn intense
it’s like you’re gifted with an extra sense
though most of the time you’re amazingly half-assed.
Some names I do recall from decades past.
Richard Nixon, which really rings a bell.
Beelzebub
We’ve already nabbed him, deep down in Hell.
Satan
Shit!  How could I have possibly forgotten
the occasions when we personally contrived some rotten
but mighty plenipotent episodes.
Beelzebub
Yeah! I still hear them big fat bombs explode
in Cambodia and Vietnam a while ago.
And recent places I just can’t recall.
Satan
As you’d say, we had us quite a ball.
When Lucifer was fully operational
our achievements were truly quite sensational.
Consider Iraq and Afghanistan,
We stirred shit there for quite a lengthy span.
Well. Let’s list the living rogues we could consult.
Beelzebub
Let’s open up their big fat sleazy vault.
Satan
Holy crap, Has my brain begun to rot?
How in heck could I ever have forgot
that sly old Mister George W. Bush
who initiated our fabulous epic push
in to Iraq to dig up some non-existent nuclear
weapons and bust ol’ Saddam when it was clear . . .
Beelzebub
the fucker did not have jack shit even close
to makin’ fat ol’ bombs go nucle ose!
Satan
And poor old Colin Powel stood there and lied.
Regretted it until the day he died,
I seriously can’t recall all the facts
behind Bush’s stupendous aerial attacks.
But inscribe that mighty hero on our list.
Beelzebub
Got it Great Sir, precise like you insist.
But shouldn’t Powell also be a pick?
Satan
Jesus Bub. Your skull is unaccountably thick?

Powell’s dead, I said. just pick some living one
so we can continue . . .
(A loud rumbling is heard.)
Beelzebub
having big fun.
(More rumbling.)
Satan
Now what the hell was that goddamn intrusion?
(Rumbling grows louder.
Diabolical Assistance Team
Rises rapidly from Hell.)
Lucifer is aware of the confusion
you’re attempting to bring to pass.
Satan
Well, Lucifer can kiss my gorgeous ass.
I’m merely trying to resume his work
while he lays down to take his endless rest.
Beelzebub
To Satan’s truth, I happily attest.
Diabolical Assistance Team
You can attest all you want, but the fact is
Lucifer abhors your illicit practice,
and wants to gently lie and sleep in peace.
Satan
What? He’s demanding a complete surcease?
What kind of management practice is that?
The supreme icon of evil lying flat
on his ass, doing absolutely zip?
Diabolical Assistance Team
Better watch your fat insulting lip.
He demands that you return to Hell
and provide an explanation, as well
as describe in detail your future plans.
Satan
I hate to disappoint you, but ain’t no chance
’cuz intricate plans are already being laid
and in fact, I’m not one damn bit afraid
of that senile, cranky, old over-the-hill
half-baked indolent excuse for a devil.
Beelzebub
Sock it to ’em Satan, deliver deliver Devil.
Satan
So transport your nasty ass down home ’n tell
Ol’ Lucifer to go right straight to, um, um—Hell.
Diabolical Assistance Team
He’ll be dissatisfied with your rejection.
Satan
Well, you can judge: Rejection? Or perfection
of our ancient, noble, exquisite vocation
to stir shit up with lurid provocation.
Onward, boys, we really need an inspiring hymn:
that’ll knock the socks off pompous Seraphim.
(All join in rousing chorus, including the Diabolical Assistance Team.)
We’ve got some exciting work to do
to promote a sinister point of view
by extolling extremes of evilness
and help humans make one great exquisite major mess.
What is our purpose after all
if we can’t indulge in a spectacular ball
to further corrupt the fucked up human breed
and pile on all the evil that they need
to feed their savage taste for violence
and their constant demand for recompense
and above all give them everything they need
to satisfy their infinite, supernatural greed.
So let’s get to work to agitate a major mess.
Let’s activate some major big distress.
Let’s see if we can possibly restore
a burning need for yet another war.
Where it occurs, we cannot really care.
Let gore and guts and slime slurp anywhere.
We must enjoy our proper rightful share!
We must demand our proper rightful share
of chaos everywhere where where where where!
God
Diabolical forces are now stirring.
Should that be any cause for worrying?
Angelic Assistant
Satan and his old buddy, Beelzebub,
seem to be on the verge— perhaps the very nub
of stirring up some novel form of trouble.
But nothing significant has formed as yet.
And, if I was bold enough to place a bet
I’d wager that they won’t get carried away.
God
Well, keep a close eye on ’em anyway.
Hell’s got kinda lazy in recent times.
Angelic Assistant
Yeah. When it comes to concocting major crimes
humans seem to do remarkably well . . .
God
With zero encouragement from Hell.
But if by chance reformers come around
the transformation can sometimes be profound.
Observe this looming diabolical shit.
Angelic Assistant
Aye, aye sir, Lord. I’m right on top of it.
God
I’m troubled by the latest U.S. president.
His thinking seems far too overtly bent
on handing piles of money to elites
while driving hapless beggars to the streets
and sending troops out to all sorts of places
while openly despising  colored races.
Equality to him—it don’t mean shit.
Angelic Assistant
I take it Sir, you disapprove a bit!We’ve got a load of idle Cherubim!
I’ll order them to keep an eye on him.
God
Fine  idea, provided you can keepthem slackers from damn near eternal sleep!
(Music. Satan and Beelzebub reappear.)
Satan
Now there was one damn disgusting intrusion
on any plans for chaos and confusion.
I know that angel’s habits fairly well:
He’s got little interest in the depths of Hell,
but he kisses God’s ass until bleeds
while pretending to serve the old dude’s needs.
Why God falls for it’s a mystery to me.
If I was in charge of his goddam Trinity
I’d ring the lazy fucker’s little bell
and chuck the miscreant straight down to Hell.
Bub, let’s get back to expanding our basic list.
Beelzebub
Sure thing, Satan, we truly must persist.
We’ve only got ol’ George Bush so far.
Satan
Them damn brother devils butted in before.
Then God busted in and piled on more
Let’s take a look at Trump’s own cabinet.
Beelzebub
Now that’s the best idea I’ve heard yet.
Satan
The ol’ dude’s assembly’s mighty fucking rich.
(Satan pages vigorously through piles of newspapers.)
Holy highly outsized monster son-va-bitch.
Their combined net worth is way way higher
that any unscrupulous multiplier
who proceeded them. Look, he’s got
two big-shot Wall Street financiers, and a lot
of former CEOs of corporations,
plus TV talk show hosts from major stations.
Beelzebub
Wow. Ooooo. That makes him more appealing.
My great big fat brain is positively reeling.
Rotating both its potent hemispheres!
Satan
And well it should, two are: billionaires.
Howard Lutnik and Linda McMahon.
He’s ex-Democrat, now a Trumpian man.
Got rich in stocks. She’s quite the innovator:
started World Wrestling Entertainment.
Brought fake wrestling to America’s eyes,
and now, because she’s so supremely wise
is their Secretary of Education
running the schools across the mighty nation.
Three others worth a hundred million each
also have authority to teach
Americans to get so goddam rich
they’ll gladly watch the market’s every twitch,
and it won’t make no damn difference where
to invest their own immense, colossal share.
A single one of these dudes net worth is more
than Biden’s whole damn cabinet totaled up before.
Beelzebub
                    With paupers in charge of it
no wonder that great country’s gone to shit.
Satan
Let billionaires blaze one new stunning trail.
With them in charge, no economy can fail.
And I haven’t factored in the wealth of Trump.
The famous fist we hope to bump or pump!
Beelzebub
Wait! We want them to screw up things totally.
Our assignment is: Pile up misery on misery!
Satan
Exactly my dear idiot, don’t you see
the immense potential here for villainy?
Beelzebub
Sorry great sir, your point’s eluding me.
Satan
Bub, I’m astonished by your density!
We encourage these rich folks to hoard like hell
and while their vast net worth increases, well
other people accumulate less and less,
creating an immorally gorgeous mess.
Bitterness and anger everywhere
with poor bastards demanding a bigger share
which, of course, they can never hope to get.
Beelzebub
Satan, that is your most major vision yet.
Heap on as much misery as we can?
Satan
Yes, Bub, and radically a lot more than
we have under previous administrations
that handed out their half-assed ameliorations
to keep all their idiotic fans in line.
Beelzebub
Your plan does sound quite promising and fine,
but what about rich deviants like Bill
Gates who claims, sooner or later, he will
give his whole fat fortune totally away?
That’s a mouthful for some rich white guy to say.
Satan
Come on, Bub, he’s just one pathetic twist.
A thousand other billionaires exist
who’ll cling to their fortunes till they fucking croak
in bizarre fear of going totally broke
and even while they’re oozing down to Hell.
Beelzebub
Holy crap. They can both fly or ooze as well!
Holy shit, you make quite a stark contrast
of a rich dude’s magnificent wondrous past
and when we’ll fry his slimy ass in Hell.
Satan
Fry it repeatedly repeatedly repeatedly as well!
But same time, poverty ’ll be increasing
while we stir up new battles without ceasing.
We should go back down to Hell and confer
with our snoozed-out boss, ol’ Lucifer
to make absolutely sure that he approves
of all our mighty, plenipotent moves.
Beelzebub
But Satan, are you absolutely sure
it’s really necessary to secure
approval from our old boss Lucifer?
Satan
Hmm. Well, of course he’d certainly concur
with our basically brilliant proposal
to have Trump’s cabinet at our disposal.
But then there’s fundamental protocol.
Remember, Beelzebub, after all
like it or not, he’s our immortal leader.
We would not, of course be obliged to plead or
beg permission, but simply get his nod
to totally fuck up the plans of God.
Beelzebub
Sure, Satan, I certainly see your point.
And we’re also stronger if he can anoint
us formally, and confer his affirmation . . .
Satan
of my plan to fuck up his favorite nation.
Beelzebub
Are you certain that the U.S. is his favorite?
Satan
Geez, Bub, have you lost what little wit
you had? That country is the richest one on Earth.
Have you any idea what it’s really worth?
Beelzebub
Um, um, well, um, I really must confess
that anything I’d say would be a guess,
whereas your own estimate would be correct.
Satan
Thank you, Bub, for your profound respect.
Now as for a trip way back down to Hell
I’m not sure we need to. It’s just as well
that we forge on in this most potent mission
to sabotage Earth’s messed up condition.
So let’s contact these eminent pots of gold
to determine who can be bought and sold.
Beelzebub
And find out who can set up a conversation . . .
Satan
with the boss of this screwed up mighty nation!
I’m quite impressed with this Peter Hegseth.
Beelzebub
He chimes and rhymes with that old dead dude MacBeth!
Can he match Mac in serious civic crime?
Satan
Seems quite likely if he’s given time.
He’s not the sharpest instrument in the drawer.
Apparently did fight in one major war.
In Iraq, or some other messed up zone.
Beelzebub
A sex-filled site with massive big ol’ bone
would be a wondrous set-up for temptation.
Satan
What? Jesus, Bub, your mental situation’s
more discombobulated every minute.
Beelzebub
Oh sure, yes! There’s too darn much content in it
I can barely keep track of its complexity.
Satan
Yes,  you’re truly dazzling in your perplexity.
But let’s continue with our vital chore.
Find out who else might even up the score.
Pete Hegseth’s an interesting prospect
but several others seem even more select.
I mean they’ve got wealth that’s so damn substantial
they’re at the very top of our financial
empire towering to the starlit sky
Beelzebub
Well, tell me who are lofted up so high?
Satan
For starters, them two actual billionaires
who have accumulated major shares
in our mighty vast ongoing economy.
Beelzebub
Remind me who the two most brilliant creatures be?
Satan
Geez. As I just said:  Commerce Secretary Lutnik
whose worth piles up so high it makes me sick.
This guy’s chair of a big Wall Street outfit.
Worth two billion by the latest estimate.
But he’s passed by Education Secretary Linda McMahon
who’s got three billion in her coffee can.
Among her numerous major exercises
she founded World Wrestling Enterprises.
but pledges that her major fiscal role
is absolutely to abolish the whole
Education Department in one fell swoop.
Beelzebub
Yikes! Who else is in this exciting group?
Any other rich folks you could find?
Satan
Glad you asked! Three others come straight to mind
who’re worth in excess of one-hundred
million, whether legitimate or plundered.
Scott Bessent, Secretary of Treasury
Doug Burgum, Interior Secretary
and Energy Secretary Chris Wright.
What’s astounding, and actually quite
inspiring when I total up the score:
Each one of just these three dudes is worth more
than the total of Joe Biden’s whole cabinet!
Beelzebub
That’s the jolliest bestest news I’ve heard yet!
With that kind of support we can’t be beat.
Satan
So let’s now consult with this rich elite
who have their finer fingers on more loot
that we ourselves can possibly compute.
Beelzebub
You did forget one guy who’s fairly famous:
Mr. Oz, whose actual first name is Mehmous.
Satan
Yes, but the name’s not Mehmous but Mehmet.
As useful a dude as we could hope to get!
He’s a Turk, which gives him an exotic air
but he shows immense managerial flair.
Beelzebub
Gosh, it’s amazing that these guys exist!
Satan
You’re right! Geez what a phenomenal list!
Who thought such wealth could
possibly be crammed
into one teeny sector of whole damned
gigantic American population
including all elements non-Caucasian?
Oh, damn there’s also Bobby Kennedy—
as nutty a disruptor as can be
making the nation healthy as can be
by hiding vaccines from humanity.
Beelzebub
Hardly a list! It’s a truly all-star cast,
although I seriously have to ask
if they might create a total mess
by killing off the total excess
of the existing population?
Satan
Bub, You’re overthinking the situation!
If too many start kicking off like flies
you simply have to fully recognize
that they’re easily replaced by immigrants—
as many as the government needs or wants.
Right now they’ve blocked most losers coming in
but  if they need some new-hatched citizens
they can always admit some foreign specimens
from Australia or Afghanistan
Bangladesh, Iraq, Sudan or Iran.
Beelzebub
What a seriously ingenious plan!
I salute you from the bottom of my brain case.
Satan
Thanks for your tribute from that ultra-busy place
where many profound thoughts are swiftly planned.
But let’s turn to the action that’s at hand.
We must contact some major personnel . . .
Beelzebub
to figure out how best to ring Trump’s bell?
Satan
I s’pose that’s a plausible way to express it.
Better to ring the thing than to caress it!
I think it’d make the greatest sense
to first talk to the Secretary of Defense
Mister Pete Hegseth, he’s quite a man.
Fought like hell for the country in Iran.
And the next illustrious one should be
none other than Robert Kennedy.
Don’t  just sit there. Dial up those major brains.
Beelzebub
To find out what a major brain contains?
Satan
Yes, yes, Bub, that’s a logical conclusion.
Beelzebub
But screening brains might lead to some confusion.
Satan
What? If we once screened your capacious brain,
for example, there’d be absolutely no doubt
that what goes in, can quickly sneak right out.
It is a remarkably transparent system . . .
Beelzebub
where things leap in and out before you can ever begin to hope to even list ’em.
Satan
Yes, gigantic emptiness is indicated.
Beelzebub
Fullness of brain is grossly overrated.
Satan
But let’s return to our most pressing task
and figure out which geniuses to ask
about swift access to their fearless chief
whose genius seems totally beyond belief!
Indeed it is quite plausible to me
that the brilliant Robert. F. Kennedy
would be a plausible initial pick
since he’s an outspoken heretic
about what fools consider basic rights.
Among his numerous deep insights
is that the whole U.S. civilization
would be healthy if they cut vaccination.
Beelzebub
Ingenious proposal, ’cuz that would soon
create even more folks for us to ruin!
Satan
That’s quite debatable. Might kill more! Let’s see
if we can contact Robert Kennedy,
or at least a major spokesman for the guy.
Beelzebub
Aye-aye aye-aye aye-aye aye-eye aye-aye
I’ll give it a big ol’ college try.
(Sounds of static, and then rumbling.)
Press
It’s the president of the United States speaking from his Oval Office.
Trump
It simply doesn’t make a bit of sense
to call it the Department of Defense
when everybody knows that what it’s for
is clearly the prosecution of war.
Therefore, as all of you can plainly see
We’re replacing all evidence of defense—
defining stuff with something more intense.
Press
Thank you sir. And now we’d like to ask
about another exciting recent task:
the bombing of a boat that was transporting material suspected
of concealing a trove of addictive drugs.
Trump
Yes! Piloted by some eleven thugs
We wiped them out with one strategic blast.
I’m very gratified that you would ask
because I’m overjoyed to let you know
that we deliberately intend to blow
to smithereens all others that appear.
Press
However, sir, did it not seem a bit unclear
why so many people were on that boat?
Trump
That’s a question entirely remote
from our sacred mission to annihilate
anybody who kicks up our addiction rate.
Deprive all the addicts of their supply
and they’ll be totally drug-free by-and-by!
Press
But what if drugs enter by another route?
Trump
Obviously, we’ll snuff all the monsters out
by any and all terrifying means
right up to our most potent war machines.
You know: fundamental bombs and jets and tanks!
We’ll decimate their sick destructive ranks!
Press
Thank you, Mister President, for clarifying
your position. You were quite edifying
Trump
Might I also pile on a few more facts
about my generous ideas on tax?
Press
Certainly, sir, please do state your position.
Trump
It’s my firm analysis of a condition
faced by a large number of corporations
whose totally competent administrations
face outrageous demands from employees
who resist any proposed wage freeze,
stridently objecting to the relation
between workers’ and bosses’ compensation.
Why, in a hundred companies the CEO
only raked in 632 times the dough
as his basic, normal, average employee.
That difference seems as fair as fair can be.
Imagine the indescribable stress
if executives made one penny less?
Press
Your proposal would reduce the total tax?
Trump
On rich guys. We don’t want to bust their backs
but widen up that gap, instead, in pay
and bring to wealth a bright, more wholesome day.
Satan
Holy crap, what a damn useful analysis
contained in all those brilliant, well-turned words of his.
There is absolutely no debating
what a fine  universe this dude’s creating.
With an ally like him we will prevail.
Beelzebub
You think now, we certainly cannot fail?
Satan
But please don’t breathe a word of this to Lucifer.
Beelzebub
Why? This should leave him quite happily hyper-
elated and, well, feeling mighty good.
Satan
Oh yes, indeed, it most certainly would
and that we must absolutely avoid.
Beelzebub
But why, great sir,’cuz he’d be overjoyed.
Satan
Yes, and that joy could very quickly creep
from a deeper, more satisfying sleep
to his outright near permanent shutdown
which would considerably reduce his vast renown.
Or if he simply slips into a trance
or some sort of coma, what’s the chance
he’d never get around to recuperating
and getting back to work by agitating
or arousing and increasing the pace
of misery for the whole human race.
Beelzebub
I follow, Oh Satan, thy brilliant argumentation
and will utter not a word on this situation!
Satan
Thank you, Bub, and now let’s take a look and see
if we can have a chat with Kennedy.
(Dials his phone.)
Hello, Mr. Kennedy, how are you doing?
Kennedy
Quite well. Things are going smoothly for my plans
to cope with a serious circumstance
and get rid of vaccines that don’t prevent
any big infections that they were meant
for. I mean, there is no serious correlation
between vaccines and the elimination
of any number of dangerous diseases.
The medical establishment simply pleases
to claim credit for killing what would’ve died.
Their own unrestricted disease is— PRIDE.
Satan
Thank you, sir, for clarifying your position
on our country’s medical condition.
I wonder if you have more to say.
Kennedy
I sure do. You can see I’ve wiped away
thousands of medical bureaucrats
who howl so loud through various pious hats.
Satan
Oh, yes sir, you’ve nailed them reprobates good.
Exactly like you often said you would.
Your courage in confronting parasites
and stripping them of so-called human rights
is quite amazingly unprecedented . . . 
Kennedy
though some do claim it’s just a tad demented!
I, however, view it as an essential
element of our awesome presidential
power to reshape and reform our nation . . .
Satan
and reinforce its identity as Caucasian?
Kennedy
Yes, that could be a most important goal
for America to retain its basic soul.
Satan
Speaking of which, I’ve long been wondering
if you’d be better off run by a king
instead of this confusing democratic
mess that has evolved into a bureaucratic
parody of true powerful use of force?
Kennedy
Hmm. Well, as you may have noticed, of course
that is what our president has been trying
constantly to achieve by multiplying
the powers of his state to stunt dissent
and shut up every goddamn dissident.
Some would say it’s an attack on free speech.
I’d say it’s a lesson we’re obliged to teach.
Satan
Interesting, sir, um, I’m wondering if
it might be possible to meet the chief
and maybe have a confab on these questions
Kennedy
Well, I’ll present to him your kind suggestions.
Of course he’s quite busy fighting the sources
of evil with all his potent verbal forces.
I’d be happy to make a quick request
for a meeting at the very earliest 
possible time, because it’s plain to see
you two guys are in great sympathy
with the world he’s attempting to create,
Satan
Good God, Kennedy—we can hardly wait.
Beelzebub
Holy shit, boss, I sure can’t wait for Act 3.
Yessiroe, yessiree !What an opportunity!
Jesus, boss, this  is as exciting as can be.
Holy  hellhole. I’m so excited my pantaloons are soaked with pee!
(Beelzebub removes trousers and wrings them out with conspicuous splashing sound.)
Satan
Meanwhile, let’s concoct another hymn and let ’em dry.
(The two sing together.)

Things happen with incredible twists
of random distribution
Just when we think no formula exists
there lands in our flat laps some viable solution.
Who ever thought that we might ever have occasion
to get in touch with a leader of this nation:
who would brief us on the present situation
regarding compulsory vaccination
and returning the Caucasian
to the very top of this beleaguered nation

Act 3

Advisor to Trump
Sir, if I may be permitted to intrude
for a relatively timely interlude,
two spokesmen from the deepest depths of Hell—
who seem like quite important personnel
wish to hold a brief audience with you.
Trump
I’m busy, but can prob’ly spare a few
minutes to determine their intentions.
Hell does provide a multitude of dimensions.
Let me fire off a provocative e-mail
dissing another idiot in detail.
Some fool who claims I’m not allowed to charge
any tariff that’s excessively large
on any goddam country that I choose.
(Trump types ferociously.)
Advisor to Trump
It’s your great right that no one can refuse.
When will, at last, the public realize
it’s your job to whack things down to size
so that the wealthiest can accumulate . . .
Trump
capital at a fine, expanding rate
while my policy constantly relaxes
the dreadful burden of their excess taxes.
(Continues ferocious typing.)
We’ve got some more important work to do
as it is now my most overriding view
that we must immediately round up all
illegal immigrants and then call
for their rapid expulsion from this great land
that must be by the manly white man manned!
Advisor to Trump
Sir, perhaps that decision might be too rash.
Trump
Are you seriously concerned that our white trash
population is not competent to elevate
the standard of living at a fantastic rate?
Do you not believe that our country’s crackers
can take the place of criminals and slackers
from every sort of nasty brown-skinned scum?
Advisor to Trump
Well, sir, I do see where you are coming from
and, um, well, I guess I now agree
with your view on that alien community.
Trump
That’s why I asked the Supreme Court to revoke
what I maintain is one devastating joke:
the idea that some parasitic alien
was born here makes him a true citizen.
Citizenship happens to be a precious right,:
but only if your goddam fucking skin is white.
Advisor to Trump
However, Sir, there still is strict objection
to excluding non-whites from full protection.
Trump
Of course some whites are unaccountably dense
when it comes to acting with common sense.
But we’ve got ways to shut those crazy bastards down.
We’ve got hard-core enforcers gaining ground
on those anti-fascists of all persuasions
willing to exploit any and all occasions
to disrupt the civil order with protests.
I’ll drive the rotten bastards from their nests.
That’s why I’ve commissioned masked dudes from ICE
to root these ass-wipes out of paradise
and lock ’em up forever and a day
because there’s absolutely no other way
to save our great nation from left-wing action
than to arrest every member of their  faction.
Advisor to Trump
But some folks may claim you’ve gone too far
and that you truly might be making war
on a far broader segment than you admit.
Trump
Those morons are obviously full of shit.
Where any disruption starts taking place
I’ll install masks on every sturdy face
of every single hero serving ICE.
Advisor to Trump
In all sincerity I do advise
a bit more caution in these affairs.
Trump
Yes, I have a revelation that scares
plus a very special cure that’s overdue.
for mealy-mouthed, cautious pussies  just like you.
Advisor to Trump
And what might that wondrous healing be?
Trump
I hereby set your dismal ass quite FREE.
Advisor to Trump
Does this mean I’m being terminated?
Trump
Or, well, professionally annihilated
if you’d prefer a loftier terminology
to illustrate your cowardly psychology.
I’ve wiped out hundreds of thousands like you
with more to come, all long-long overdue!
Now get the hell out of my keen-eyed sight!
There’s yet another e-mail I must write!
Scene 2
Satan
Okay, now let’s strategize a bit
and apply my vital impervious wit
to the task of impressing President
Trump in an unprecedented event.
Beelzebub
Satan, we must make a convincing case.
anything else would be a big disgrace.
Satan
Well, duh, Beelzebub, your ability to state
the obvious is totally first rate.
Beelzebub
Thank you sir, for your keen appreciation
of my tight grasp of  our basic situation.
I’m not sure of what buttons to push or pull
or twistor turn, my mind is so dang full
it’s in a state of virtual neutrality.
Satan
That means you’ve got a tight grasp on reality.
Hang on now, and maintain your fatal grip.
Beelzebub
Yes, and I’ll paste on a right tight upper lip.
Satan
There are three things that each executive
needs to survive, to thrive, to simply live.
Beelzebub
What are they? Do speak out, oh mighty boss?
Satan
Sex, money, and power at any cost.
Enhancing them must be our basic chore.
Promising the president more and more.
Appealing to his powerful desires until
he bend, bends insatiably to our will
Beelzebub
Well, money and power I sure can see,
but sex? he seems a trifle old to me.
Satan
You mean you simply do not understand
why he grips devoutly his wife’s hand
when walking down an airline’s busy stair
or simply pacing through a thoroughfare?
As for money, power, and all the joy they bring
Trump rolls along, enjoying everything.
Some seven billion’s now his new net worth
triggered by the great astounding birth
of his fat cryptocurrency account.
I guarantee, that as the profits mount
his numbers will continue to expand . . .
Beelzebub
beyond whatever he had even planned?
Satan
Yes! So now is a perfect time to tempt.
Nothing can make a normal man exempt!
Trump
(To his Assistant)
Let those illustrious Satanic devils in.
Satan
Greetings, Mr. President! Well, we’ve been
observing your immense success these days
and must begin with proffering our praise.
Trump
Thank you kindly, for announcing your support.
It’s like the help I’m getting from the court.
Well at least that court we call Supreme.
Their efforts ratify my every dream.
What brings you here, what favors do you ask?
Satan
None, Sir, quite the opposite is our task.
We’ve come here to offer serious help to you.
Trump
Not sure I require it, but please, please do
explain what sort of help you can provide.
Satan
Well, we’ve casted about quite far and wide
and we’ve come up with possibilities
all of which we’ve carefully designed to please
you in three major ways: Sex! Money! Power!
Trump
Well now, those three major things have been our—
my—top priorities ever since I
got elected back in Two-O-Two-O.
But the bastards never let me go
where I’d obviously won the right . . .
Satan
to live in that big House so brightly White.
It must’ve been quite frustrating for you.
 Trump
Oh yes, but in my heart of hearts I knew
I’d be right back, returning to full force.
Fuller, in fact, I say with no remorse,
of the nastiest, most vicious cabinet
of purebred demons you have ever met!
Satan
Hmm. Do you think it might actually be true
that they’d teach Lucifer a thing or too?
Trump
Yeah. I heard the old fucker’s gone indolent.
Satan
Indolent, hell. He’s downright somnolent.
But let’s get back our important proposal:
Sex, money, and power at your disposal
Trump
Well, as for sex, I’ve got an image to maintain
so, while sex may often dominate my brain
(Trump makes vigorous masturbatory gesture.)
it is quite obviously plain to see
that I have to restrict exclusively
such recreation to my lawful spouse
at least while I’m in the goddam White House,
though, of course, it’s a goddamn fucking pain.
Satan
As old Jeffrey Epstein could well explain?
Trump
Yes. About such matters he was one courageous brain.
But—his intense relation to fornication
became an abomination to Caucasian
domination, so his elimination
was a manifestation of celebration
of my relation to our Caucasian population!
Satan
Well put, sir, I believe that you’re asserting
you’ll be totally abstaining from inserting
your own very personal private pleasure prong
into anything but your spouse–is wrong.
Trump
Though it differs greatly from my personal view!
But if I said so, it must be absolutely true.
Can we move on to your other two ideas?
Satan
Definitely, sir, and you should please just be as
frank and blunt on any topic you select.
Trump
As for power, now, I certainly expect
that you’d stir up much more adoration
for my vision of our country’s isolation
from any involvement in assisting other places
stuffed with hordes of totally inferior races,
and let the bastards die off peacefully
the way my God designed it all to be.
Satan
We promise to help you in this mission, sir.
With assorted heads of state we will confer
persuading them to assist your vital toil . . .
Trump
to crush them—and immediately snatch their oil
or any other resources they might own.
We’ll strip them worthless bastards to the bone!
Satan
Yes, yes, we’ll take whatever crap’s at hand
and slap on the label: A-MER-I-CAN! A-MER-I-CAN!
Which should be quite easy, when you consider that
you’ve pretty much starved off their excess fat.
Trump
Excellent proposals regarding power
but let’s address the third issue: Our
basic desire for monetary gain.
Satan
Certainly, sir, the answer is quite plain.
We offer you 5 billion dollars up front.
Trump 
Well, I hope this does not sound too blunt:
I gotta have a lot more to meet my needs.
There’s always danger of an enterprise that bleeds
from my major fiscal monetary system.
Dangers much too long to even list ’em.
Satan
How much more sir, do you think you might require?
Trump
Well, when I add it up. Hmmm. My entire
basic needs add up to one hecka lot more
than the pittance that you’re now offering.
It seems like a trillion should be the thing.
Satan
A trillion! How can any rich man need that much?
Especially a gentleman of your age.
Trump
(With mounting anger.)
Have you missed all reports of shock and outrage?
That Elon Musk be permitted to make
a trillion? What a barbarian mistake
when that bastard was once employed by ME
till I canned his sick ass and set him free.
It’s one twisted, outrageous mockery!
I’m the goddam fucking president
I’m the only human who could possibly be meant
to rake in such a massive compensation.
The only one in this—or any goddam nation!
Satan
Well, sir, now that is one fantastic sum.
I’m quite afraid that we’ll be forced to come
to some sort of alternative calculation.
Trump
You mean you cannot give me what I ask?
That you’re not up to that quite simple task?
What the hell? Are you not a true Caucasian?
Are you some half-assed chiseling entrepreneur
dredged up from my opponents’ bottomless sewer?
Satan
Sir, I’m not saying this is a mission
impossible, but we surely need permission
from the head of our immortal enterprise.
Trump
Well, be quick, and tell our great father of lies
I secretly admire his very wise
policies as they apply to all endeavors.
Ingenious how that ol’ fucker yanks the levers.
Satan
We promise to return soon as we can.
Beelzebub
Unless damn Lucifer declares a ban.
You don’t know how unpredictable that old
fart can be. Sometimes he’s hot, then, blip. he’s cold
Satan
Cold as hell, as humans often say.
Well, now we’ll have to waste at least a day
to go back down, and attempt to confer
with our old, somnolent boss, Lucifer,
to persuade the old dude to shell out more
than he has in ten million years before.
Satan and Beelzebub
(Singing another hymn.)

We’ll have to use great powers of persuasion
to sell our lord and master on a plot
that will require our maximum engaging
to convince him to shell out a whole damn lot.
Of course we know the old dude can afford
any amount requested by Trump a skillful sinner
who acknowledges his big debts to our lord
while he plots to emerge a total winner.
in proving that in January twenty-twenty-four
that he was the uncontested master
but that foul play upended him before
he had a chance to subvert perverse disaster.
We don’t really necessarily believe him:
faith is a job for sad souls here on earth,
But if we did disagreed it might seriously grieve him
forcing him to  pine for more net worth.
So let us go on down and put our  genius to the test
and hope old Lucifer agrees
to fulfill ol’ Trump’s ultra-fat request.
We might hafta go down on bended knees
which is an awful pain for dedicated devils
but sometimes it’s the one way to acquire
what we desire  on our own most lowest levels
and reward our proudest noblest sick desires.
(Satan and Beelzebub descend again to Hell.)

Act IV
(Sbatan and Beelzebub in descent.)

Beelzebub
Holy hell, it’s a mighty goddamn long way there.
Are we allowed to recite a phony prayer?
Satan
What? Bub, have you lost your underactive wits?
Praying is strictly for mortal human shits.
I mean, seriously, do you not know
we quit that crap a billion years ago?
Are you lapsing into senility?
Beelzebub
You know, Satan, think I just might be.
Satan
That’s a total impossibility.
We’re possessed with immortality.
Maybe you’re just gifted with stupidity.
Beelzebub
You know, Satan: I believe that might well be.
Satan
Well, I’m fervently inclined to agree.
How such a catastrophe could occur
is a mystery I’m inclined to defer
for investigation at a later date.
Beelzebub
Hey, Satan, look, we’re at Hell’s very gate.
Came up a lot quicker than I expected.
Satan
For damn sure. Wow, that thing is well erected!
(Satan pounds on gate.)
It never did occur to me before
how good they built stuff in the days of yore.
If that motherfucker was made today
a dinky breeze would blast it quite away.
(Gate slowly opens a bit.)
Beelzebub
Good Lord, how damn loud that son-bitch creaks.
I mean, it’s not like we’ve been gone for weeks.
Satan
Yes, but you must remember, all  the dead
sinners are shot directly down instead
of meeting Hell through this tremendous door!
It’s quite obviously meant only for
us diabolical personnel
to enhance unswerving reverence for Hell.
Beelzebub
Seems a bit redundant. We know quite well
there’s nothing else we surely must respect.
Satan
Yes! We sponsor total ruin and neglect!
What higher calling can there ever be
than mocking God’s immortal trinity:
The Father, Son, and freakin’ Holy Ghost,
Beelzebub
’n all the rest of His crackpot heavenly host.
Satan
Oh what perfect situation if we
could capture—and bust up that Trinity.
Transport three bastards all right down here, where
they’d beg and wheedle to be treated nice—
and enjoy their memories of paradise.
Beelzebub
Can’t this damn gate open any quicker?
(He pounds on gate.)
Satan
I hope so, Bub. I’m too damn tired to bicker
with whoever the Hell manages this device
like some infiltrator from Paradise!
My resplendent backside still can’t squeeze in.|
Beelzebub
Mine neither. That there gap just ain’t increasin’.
Satan
Oooops! Finally, did get half my precious ass in.
Beelzebub
Me too, and right now I’ll pass a blast of gas in!
(A loud rumble, and the gate opens enough to finally
let them enter.)
Beelzebub
It’s so nice and warm and comforting inside.
Satan
(To an Associate Devil near the gate.)
We have a desperate need to confer
with our almighty master Lucifer.
Associate Devil
I’m sorry, sir, but Lucifer’s fast asleep
in a state that seems—alarmingly, quite deep.
Satan
Do you not have official authority
to wake him, if some serious priority
comes up that might require his attention?
Associate Devil
That’s a question of proportion ad dimension.
Satan
What the hell does that comment even mean?
Associate Devil
I don’t know sir, let me review my screen.
(Devil spends a long moment punching his hand-held computer.)
Oh yes, the question of dimension and proportion
demands considerable consideration of distortion
and therefore is impossible to address
until the assembly is fully assembled to assess
the intrinsic essence of the fundamental
concept which is grounded in virtually all
our activities up above—and right down here.
Satan
When did all this bullshit first appear?
When we departed it did not exist,
but now, by some instantaneous twist
these obstructions have been fully sanctified?
Devil
Well, now, sir, while some old members tried
to forestall this cascade of absurd rules
the majority branded them as fools.
But the key to this obscure agitation
was the absence of our king of legislation:
Old Lucifer, who did not participate.
Satan
What? Lucifer’s in charge of our great state!
You can’t pass laws without his affirmation.
He’s the sole dictator of our great nation!
Devil
Well, sir, as is apparent when you try
to summon him, the most you’ll hear’s a sigh
followed by a somnolence so profound
interrupted by the occasional sound
of possible—though not certain—inhalation.
Satan
Is there as yet no reasonable explanation
for this profound decline in our top boss?
How’d you account for such a dreadful loss
I mean, before, he was addicted to long naps
but this behavior indicates collapse
of vital functions in an immortal creature
which is a totally unscripted feature
even in God’s outrageous major plans.
We can’t have such a fatal circumstance.
Beelzebub
Satan, Satan, I think we must inspect
Lucifer for ourselves just to detect
any signs of wrongdoing by our peers.
Satan
Do you believe that absurd pack of queers
is equal in the slightest way to us?
Can be as totally inglorious?
Could perpetrate, or yes, assimilate
the gorgeous essence of our head of state?
Have you lost what little’s left of your small mind?
Beelzebub
No, Satan, but we must visit him to find
out what the hell has gone wrong with our great idol
instead of engaging in a pointless long recital.
Satan
(Clearing his throat, shows a bit of humility.)
Well, finally, you have made a valid case.
Let’s migrate over to his resting place:
Do a fundamental examination
of his current alarming situation.
Beelzebub
That is truly quite a brilliant plan sir.
Satan
Thanks!. Let’s hope it provides some sort of answer . . .  .
(They trudge to Lucifer’s bed.)
My word, they’re right, the old dude’s barely breathin’.
An unsound policy for a cosmic heathen!
(Takes Lucifer’s pulse, holding his wrist for an extended time.)
Holy shit! One heartbeat in on whole fucking minute.
Not a shred of real force apparent in it.
We’ve gotta shove him in an MRI machine.
(Devils roll in an MRI machine attached to a monitor. Following Satan’s direction they insert him in it.)
Satan
According to this deeply telltale screen
virtually no activity’s detected.
Beelzebub
Now that’s something that sure needs to be corrected.
Satan
No shit, Bub. How you state the obvious
is impressive to the keenest mind among us.
To think they did not know that down in Hell
we had distinctive instruments that can tell
detailed states of a massive demon’s brain.
Beelzebub
How can we make the fucker whole again?
Satan
Well, there is a fundamental  strategy
based on his unique anatomy.
His penis—and his brain—are quite connected.
If that penis remains completely un-erected
for a certain period the whole brain will
numb way down to a point where it’s quite still.
I  observed this  a zillion years ago,
but managed erecting him once more.
It was a totally delightful chore.
Beelzebub
So if he experiences a big new stiffy?
Satan
His brain will activate in one authentic a jiffy.
Let’s buckle down, and put ourselves to work
with a dedicated tendency to jerk
him off, until he totally revives
and brings his ancient power back life!
(The diabolical duo begins masturbating Lucifer, causing
a massive erection to rise up.)
Lucifer
Oh holy shit, I’m waking up again!
What the hell has happened?  Do tell me men!
How long I have been trapped in this deep trance?
A million years, or one minor instance?
Satan
Not too long sir, but you should understand
things up above are getting out of hand.
Even without your bold, brave inspiration
humans messed up many a situation,
on their own. New wars, new calamities
all sorts of creative atrocities.
Lucifer
Thank you, son, for that encouraging news.
Sufficient to lift anyone from the blues.
Satan
Sir, we do have some profound concerns.
Lucifer
But why? As you can plainly see, Hell still burns
bright as ever since the distant past.
Indeed, I guarantee it will outlast
that feeble glow emitted from the Earth.
Satan
Yes, but for whatever it may be worth
I must raise a rather troubling question,
while requesting your most profound suggestion.
Lucifer
Fire away, my boy, I’m all ears—
and quite a stretch of pecker, it appears.
Tell me what’s on your brilliant troubled mind.
Satan
We left some serious Earth stuff behind.
The U.S. has a president who’s tough
and quite inclined to treat some people rough.
Busts immigrants all over day and night.
Lucifer
But that’s a basic presidential right!
Satan
Sure, but he gets completely carried away.
Lucifer
It seems to me that . . . that is quite okay
Satan
But Sir, when he indulges to excess
he’s could sure stimulate a major mess.
Our well-being requires some moderation.
Beelzebub
Not too much messing up a situation. 
Satan
We can’t allow any old politician
to interfere with our own preferred decision.
What if one day a super-peaceful dude
steps in, and sweetens up their attitude
Beelzebub
to the horrible point where they simply sit around and rot
to a sorry state where their urge to murder gets forgot
and they wallow around in a disgusting peaceful trance?
Sir, that would be a truly screwed up awful circumstance!
Satan
Imagine what we’d need to reignite:
their wondrous tendency to kill and fight!
Lucifer
I see your point. we can’t allow mere lethargy
to overcome our restless humanity
but by the same unavoidable token
we can’t allow all laws to be broken
or they would simply just assassinate
themselves down to a damn near extinct state!
Satan
Precisely, Sir, and that’s our big concern.
They’ve got a politician who could burn
down all they’ve built, till everything is gone
and then sit there in the ruins grinning on
his staggering achievements in destroying
a whole world at least his rich friends were enjoying.
Lucifer
Well, can you guys tell me anything that seems
able to steer him from destructive schemes?
Satan
He wants a lot. Quite a substantial sum indeed.
Lucifer
So tell me, then, what is his basic need?
Satan
He’s asking for a trillion just up front.
But, Great Sir, to be frighteningly blunt:
I cannot ever be completely sure
the old bastard won’t hold out for even more.
Lucifer
Holy crap, do you guys know what that means?
Revving up all our counterfeit machines!
And believe me, it might take many weeks
to activate them massive big antiques.
Satan
Shit, well, that means we must again ascend
to pacify our dear demanding friend
before he turns his vast capacities
to whipping up brand new atrocities.
Beelzebub
I prefer  to spend more time here  in Hell.
cooking up some verminous infidel.
Satan
Me too, but we have a solemn obligation
to engage in  eternal initiation
of assorted wretchedness up there on Earth
even if the commotion is not worth
our effort. Strange: we’re obligated to obey,
yet we’re forced to push folks quite the other way
tempting them to sin incredibly.
Beelzebub
That seems kinda—um, contradictory.
Satan
Yeah. It don’t make one bit of sense that a demon
can indulge in all sorts of nefarious schemin’
up there on Earth, while right down here in Hell
he has to behave like some pious infidel
and follow all the very strictest laws
without a break, or just a simple pause.
Beelzebub
Anyway, here’s the elevator! Shall
I push it now, or wait awhile until
you’re in a somewhat milder, gentler mood?

Satan
I do appreciate your attitude.
You’re rather troublingly dense, but on the whole
you do play a somewhat satisfying role!
(Beelzebub pushes the elevator button with a graciously complex air.)
Scene 3
God
Angels, have you exciting revelations
about any interesting situations?
Anything different, dear Raphael?
Raphael
No Sir, things are running as usual.
Michael
I’m quite strongly inclined to disagree
because it seems abundantly clear to me
there’s a strange—flamboyant —new disruption
veiled inside a fog of odd corruption.
God
Hmmm. Can you continue to elaborate
on details of this questionable state
Michael
As you might have noticed some time ago
Americans ran an interesting show
when they chose their latest president,
an older dude, who seems to nurture an intent
to make rich dudes richer than they were
while demanding all others to defer
their pondering on strategies to raise
their wages in some future brighter days.
Gabriel
What’s so impressive about that activity?
At least they’re not all trapped in slavery.
Besides, they may not yet be even ready
to join the higher ranks of  J. Paul Getty,
or even those of minor millionaires
who hold a load of major-minor shares
in millions of minor-major enterprises.
Michael
Geez, Gabriel, what you don’t realize is
that the bulk of all those stocks and  shares
are held by a handful of billionaires
and that most ordinary working fools
function only as convenient tools
of the richest bastards in all the land.
Gabriel
Put that way I sort of understand
but still can’t whip up excess sympathy
for humans, who seem damn crack-brained to me:
Always squabbling, always in disputes.
Their lunacy seems rooted in their roots.
God
Well, my friends, I fear I must take the blame.
I introduced free will into the game.
Gave ’em the right to make their own decisions.
Well, I was young, and had some blurry visions
on how such obvious nonsense would evolve.
Michael
That caused problems you simply could not solve!
God
Indeed it did, and now it seems too late
to repair the problems of their free state.
So doubtless they’ll muddle along until
they manage to muster up the will
to get along, or else annihilate
themselves and what they’ve managed to create,
which, I must say, is really quite impressive
and, at times, more than a bit excessive.
Scene 4
(Satan and Beelzebub arrive back up in their elevator.)
Satan
Damn, this level is annoyingly bright.
Beelzebub
The sun is blinding out my deep insight.
Satan
Bub, you lost that before the sun turned bright.
Put on your big goggles and let’s proceed
to see that leader who can truly lead!
(They sing.)
We’re tracing our way to Mister Trump.
We’d really love to squeeze his great big golden rump.
Draw out a fistful of the finest blubber
and massage it like gummy blob of rubber.

And then we’d like to kiss him on the face
or in fact darn near any other place
like the hands that delicately must sign
measures to keep leftist scum in line.

And by leftist, we certainly agree
that includes any idiots who might be
supporting all those fuzzy grants
that underpin overarching extravagance

like health care, that overrated measure
sponging misfits exploit for fraud and pleasure.
Expanding it’s the sliest form of masturbation
that could lead to the death of this great nation

which is in fact already dying deep inside
from violence provoked by leftists far and wide
which calls for troops in every sick location
besieged by radical perverse perturbation!

Scene 5
(Satan and Beelzebub sit before Trump.)
Satan
Well, Mister Trump, we bring delightful news.
We visited Lucifer. Shared your views,
in particular your non-negotiable demand
for a trillion, from his generous hand.
Trump
And what did that most august figure say?
Satan
That he’d really really really love to pay
exactly the amount that you’re demanding.
However, it will require some expanding
and repair of our equipment down in Hell
since your request, as far as we can tell
exceeds our immediate capacity
to print that full amount immediately.
Trump
What? How in Hell can I tolerate delay?
I’m the goddam president of the goddam USA.
Who the Hell are you? Some fake-ass Satan?
Not the one God busted his sweet ass creatin’?
Satan
Oh, no Sir, I’m the original Satan.
Prime source of turmoil, evil, vice, crime, hatin’.
Top promoter of Seven Deadly sins
whose temptations do often clearly win
a big shitload of souls sent flying down
to Hell. My craft has won me great renown.
Trump
I don’t give one big shit if you’re the more known
than any billionaires that I now own
if you don’t deliver what I ask in time
I’ll target you in my latest war on crime.
Lock your ass up in one of my new jails
where you’ll learn what sheer horror it entails
to rub against some brown- or black-skinned scum.
Satan
I must warn you, Sir, that this cannot come
to pass. I am a spirit who is quite
intangible and untouchable despite
his enduring, widespread, valid reputation
as the source of all dangerous temptation.
Trump
I don’t give a good goddam fuckin’ damn
I am the President, Oh yes, I am.
And that accentuates increasing pressure
for you to come up with a major measure
to speed the distribution of this loot.
Satan
Sir, I am in no position to dispute
your request for Satan’s deeper intervention
but it is impossible to guarantee
swifter implementation of your fee.
Trump
Well, okay, for now, but you better race
your ass back down to that amazing place.
Tell Lucifer while I wish him all the best
I can’t wait forever on this request.
(Trump gestures impatiently.)
Scoot along, I’ve got messages to write.
Many fine conservatives to excite!
(Trump the whispers so Satan and Beelzebub can’t hear.)
But first I’ll send a message down to Hell
demanding, as one outstanding infidel
that Lucifer, without further delay
immediately remit my lawful pay!
Satan
We hope to see you later, Grand Señor.
Beelzebub

I do hope it’s later than before.
Satan
Shhhhh! Such rude expression of impatience
could undermine our deft manipulations.
Beelzebub
What? You think this dude could overpower us?
Satan
He scares the hell outa me, yes, he does!
While he cannot put me in a total panic
he’s got an attitude that’s truly quite—quite—Satanic.
Let’s rumble down and meet and strategize
on how to cut this big dude down to size!
Scene 6
God
Looks like old Satan’s got himself real busy.
I’ve rarely observed him in such a tizzy!
(Turns to Angels.)
You guys got any opinions to share?
Michael
I do agree, such agitation’s rare,
but this Trump guy’s one quite suspicious player.
If I were down on Earth I’d say a prayer
to prevent him from doing something rash
just to rake in a wad of extra cash.
Gabriel
He seems propelled by some compelling need . . .
Raphael
to satisfy some overwhelming greed.
God
Excess worry’s not our major need.
Satan, I trust, can keep this guy in line
and everything’ll follow my design.
Michael
Your design? That don’t really bolster hope.
You’ve confessed that through total lack of scope
you let things get quite screwed up before.
God
Yes, yes, a time or two or even more
I admit, I was learning all the while
contrary to theological style
I was—and am not—totally omniscient.
And let that explanation be sufficient.
Michael
Yikes! Now that’s a stunning new revelation!
It could cause—quite a negative sensation
among both fans and foes of Satanhood.
If God is vulnerable, Satan could
inaugurate an ambitious takeover
subjecting things to gruesome total makeover.
God
Michael, don’t get your knickers in a knot.
Surely you remember Statan’s got
to have surplus humans to destroy
otherwise he’s totally deprived of joy.
Humans, I fear, are their own greatest threat.
While they have not destroyed their universe . . .
Michael
they’re not immune to such a horrid curse?
God
No. I gave them freedom to pick and choose—
and, well, if they ever decide to abuse
it, and blast themselves to total obliteration
there’s nothing can arrest that situation!
I gave the idiots complete control
which then seemed like a highly noble goal
but now it seems the stupidest thing I’ve done
since the time my thrilling universe was begun!

Act 5

Television Voice
This late-night news, which proudly showcases
our great nation, in all its many phases
is now quite proud and eager to present
a chat with America’s president.
Trump
Well, now I have an opportunity to assess
my achievements in governing this mess
and reviewing how far I’ve restored order
both outside and well inside our border
Advisor
Yes, sir, indeed let’s proceed to review
all that’s been done, and all that’s left to do.
Trump
I honestly don’t know where to begin.
outsider deep, or deeply deep within.
On one item, I first must celebrate.
Advisor
What might that be among you many great
achievements that you hope will finally lead
to a third term, where after you will be
installed as boss for all eternity!
Trump
That would be the perfect transformation
making us a totally unique nation
ruled by a gloriously permanent
immortal, everlasting—President!
Advisor
Sir, what item did you wish to designate
as the first thing you’d like to celebrate.
Trump
Glance  around What a splendor to behold.
This gorgeous walls, all in the finest gold!
Advisor
Yes, Sir, they’re in your very finest style.
Trump
And you agree, they’ll be there a long damn while?
Advisor
Yes Sir, but let’s move on to our review
of what you’ve done, and what remains for you to do.
Trump
Yes, yes, but I just wanted you to know
the blessing to be bathing in that glow.
Imagine what it’s like to sit alone
placed precisely on a golden throne
basking in your admirers’ wond’ring view
of the perfect portrait of the perfect you
or in this case what would surely be
the perfect portrait of the perfect me!
Advisor
(With obviously growing impatience.)
Sir, I really must reveal I am afraid
that off the topic you have, slightly, strayed.
Please remember that now we must review
what you’ve done, and not just you you you.
Trump
Oh yes, of course, my vast accomplishments
that far exceed all other presidents’
attempts to alter history in one swoop
while installing one mighty ethnic group
called Caucasians by anyone who knows
why twisted immigration must be froze.
Advisor
Yes, Sir, that was one mighty contribution
to a temporary final solution.
Trump
Yet some clueless fuckers dare to stop and ask
why all my boys must always wear a mask.
Don’t they have the enough brains to simply see
it’s damn crazy to reveal identity
when an authority is kicking ass.
Advisor
May I assume you will let no one pass
who exhibits any alien appearance.
Trump
No, they’ll all be subject to my terms of clearance.
And if some white aliens ease on through—
it won’t harm us to excess, in my view.
Advisor
Any other message you might add
to the overall topic of immigration.
Trump
Only that the total foreign invasion
will be squelched until we reach a time
when this nation is rid of foreign crime.
And I’m very excited to report
I’ve got backing from my own Supreme Court!
Advisor
But now it’s time for our brief station break.
We’ll  soon return, so everybody stay awake!

Scene 2
Satan
Up and down, up and down I am quite tired
that all this goddam movement is required.
Bub, area you not yet ready  to descend?
Beelzebub
Um, we ain’t been up here that long, ol’ friend.
Satan
That’s quite beside the point, if you recall.
Beelzebub
But what about ol’ Getty, ol’ J. Paul.
He made one helluva big mighty haul?
You know, the honorable Mister J. Paul Getty
who matches flawlessly with spermaceti.
Satan
What? Have you at long last lost all your mind
and left not one dreary fragment behind.
We’ve must go down, and meet with Lucifer.
and explain why it’s impossible to defer
Trump money that we’re obliged to transfer.
Beelzebub
OK, all right, let’s once again descend.
Lead the way, my hyper-competent ingenious friend!
(They approach elevator and descend again to Hell.)

Scene 3

Advisor
Where were we? Oh yes, the list
of all the crap that simply can’t persist.
Trump
Once I have prevented any and all
Advisor
immigration past your tall border wall?
Trump
I’ll focus straight on moral rot inside.
Advisor
which plagues our major cities nationwide.
Trump
but specially in Democratic regions
Advisor
which are utterly plagued by twisted legions
Trump
of plain old leftist thugs and malcontents.
Advisor
attacking your mighty magnificence
Trump
by mouthing out illegal words like woke,
that I have banned from ever being spoke.
Advisor
Or claiming there’s a hundred extra sexes.
Trump
When two is enough for sane old states like Texas.!
I’ve banned two-hundred -fifty worthless terms.
that spread out like terminal disease germs!
Words like diversity or climate science.
Advisor
Are totally outside the bounds of strict compliance?
Trump
And many more that question if it’s right
to threaten what’s irreparably white.
Now I’ve got a lot  more memos to  pen
to insure more loyalty from all the men
who had the sense to insure my re-election. . .
Advisor
which will soon bring our nation to perfection!
Trump
Yes. And more power than any other nation
to adv ance the cause of all great things Caucasian.
Now leave me to writing brilliant e-mails!
He who fails to produce them truly fails!

Scene 4

Satan
Here we are, down finally to our great gate.
Beelzebub
I hope we’re not arriving way too late.
Satan
Too late for what, can you please clarify?

Beelzebub
Well, what if Lucifer’s gone all bye-bye
and has fallen fast asleep again?
Satan
Bub, are you unable to recall when
we were inside—and I quickly woke him?
 Beelzebub 
I don’t recall, except that you did stroke him
Satan
Yes! He was quite delighted in a jiffy
because he got one fine, delightful stiffy!
(Satan taps on Hell’s gate.)
Hmmm., It’s opening easier on this occasion.
Beelzebub
Damn sure a whole lot less aggravation.
Satan
Something seems wrong with your entire equation.
Maybe you’re in a dangerous situation.
What puzzles me is that we’re considered eternal.
That’s the basis of everything infernal
It was part of the bargain when we left
heaven, so how can you be so bereft
unless God flat out lied about our fate.
But maybe if we hang around and wait
He’ll return you to your previous condition.
What if I’m afflicted as horribly?
What about me me me me me me me?
If I also was rendered out of wits.
Or what humans vulgarlycall the shits.
Maybe—though your change is damn well scary
it could turn out it’s only temporary.
God said zip on irregularities
in announcing his messed up policies!
(Satan and Beelzebub enter Hell They stride quickly, arriving at Lucifer, who is supine but quite conscious.)

Scene 5

God
What the hell’s transpiring way down there?
Have devils repented? Bowed down in prayer.
Michael
That is a mere illusion. They’re conferring
on possible situations that are stirring
so much interest in our modern times.
God
Something new, beyond innovative crimes?
Michael
They are taking an extremely intense
look at artificial intelligence.
God
That might be a worthy activity
considering their deficiency
in brain-power through the past ten-thousand years!
Michael
Yes, but some serious critics have raised fears
that AI, as that intelligence is known
may be sufficiently powerful alone
to become considerably more perverse,
or even, as some warn, many times worse
than their age-old, clumsy manipulations
of hapless chumps in sorry situations.
God
Continue your insightful observations!
Michael
Down there it really seems they’re losing patience.

Scene 6

Lucifer
What brings you two fine colleagues back down here?
Satan
We’ve got a big dilemma way up there.
Trump now insists that you accelerate
your payment at the agreed-on rate.
Lucifer
Accelerate, when we have not begun?
Does he not know that Hell’s with patience run
and that down here we only hasten pain.
Satan
Should we contact him and make it plain.
Elucidate. Make policy more clear?
Lucifer
Why not simply haul him right down here
so I can give a thorough explanation
of policies and practices in our nation.
Satan
That would entail another trip up there.
Besides, what if the big boy won’t agree to go?
Lucifer
Satan, is it possible you don’t know
that temptation is your enduring power?
Though granted by our all-time enemy
you’re as ferocious as you possibly can be.
I’m not making some overwhelming dare
Are you afraid of breathing earthly air?
Seems to me quite an easy risk to take.
Satan
Or maybe just another pointless break.
Lucifer
Look! I’m done with all your damn pointless disputation.
Just haul your ass and deal with the situation.
Besides, I’m now becoming rather tired.
A fresh approach to rest might be required.
Push that goddam button and ascend
along with Beelzebub, your oldest friend.
Beelzebub
Thanks for that recognition, Lucifer.
Satan
Even though we’re not so eager, Sir,
your simplest wish is a most solemn order.
Beelzebub
Let’s haul ass—and shoot up to Earth’s big border!
(They walk away, and Beelzebub eagerly presses elevator button. He and Satan enter elevator.)

Lucifer
Look at ’em. They’ve got one damn wicked stride!
Glad to have such enthusiasts on my side.
(Lucifer nods off, and begins to snore.)
Trump
Here I am, more e-mails yet to pen!
More deep deep thoughts, come straight to me again.
More nonsense from enemies to be
dismissed.
More outrage that those bastards still exist.
Advisor
Yes, sir, but your polls hold up rather well.
Trump
That’s truly ’cause I’ve got a lot to sell.
Advisor
Like deploying masked men who smash crania?
That’s a cheap and easy way to entertain ya!
Trump
Problem is, too many idiots won’t endorse
a full allowance of my use of force.
If only they’d approve my growing passion
to locate some twenty times more heads to bash in.
Advisor
I do think you could issue such an order
as soon as we implement your border purge and rid our land of all that migrant scum.
Trump
That terrific expulsion will become
key to reestablishing our white man’s
power and glory, giving us a chance
to further economically advance
our stranglehold on economic ties
and line me up for that big ol’ golden Nobel prize!
Advisor
Not this year yet, but in one coming year
when your assorted virtues will be clear
and tributes flow in, irrefutably.
and many will wonder how it could be
that one man might such benefits unfold.
Trump
Indeed a mighty epic to be told
to future generations of mankind . . .
Advisor
how this one man with his enormous mind
grasped every opportunity to give
until giving became so normative
that even his most microscopic agitations . . .
Trump
were viewed as incredible inspirations
bestowed by God who chose this major man
as His quintessential American—
as the genius who is ever ready
to outdo the funding from J. Paul Getty
and other major famous billionaires . . .
Advisor
who control one major shitload of the shares
in every goddamn major operation
in very crevice of our major nation!
(A loud knocking is heard.)
Trump
Now who in hell can that possibly be
hammering  at my door at half-past three
just when I was preparing to compose
a scorching brilliant memo to disclose
who’s worthy to be listed on my list
of lame-ass bastards who should not exist.
Advisor
Enter, but I must warn you that you should
be alert to the presidential mood
which may be shifting unpredictably.
(Satan and Beelzebub enter)
Satan
I don’t think this could really trouble me
or my most capable and loyal aid.
We’ve arrived from deep down to communicate
with your illustrious head of state . . .
Beelzebub
who we rate at an extreme high rate.
Advisor
Come on in then, and please do have a seat.
(To Trump.)
Sir, these two gentlemen would like to meet
with you for another conference
Trump
Certainly. We had a minor difference
but I’m sure these have corrected
their original offer I rejected.
Satan
I’m not so sure that we can satisfy
your demand, although we’ll surely try.
On our assets are certain limitations.
Therefore, we must enter negotiations
Trump
I was frankly not expecting such delay.
Negotiations are a clumsy way
to resolve what is a simple request.
Gentlemen, accept that I truly know how complex transactions must always go.
and, quite frankly, this one’s as basic as can be:
a trillion, all remitted straight to me.
Satan
Sir, as I may have said some time ago
Hell has no unlimited cash flow.
Trump
Bullshit! you are both supposedly
agents sent from total eternity.If you’re faking you’ll pay a damn big price
for pretending you come from paradise.
Satan
We never made such a crazy claim.
Besides, we’ve been quite clear since we first camethat Hell was our principal habitat.
Beelzebub
It can’t be put more damn simpler than that.
Trump
You two do seem a total waste of time.
Where’s your verve? where’s your goddamn sense of crime?
You call yourself immortally Satanic?
You look to me like sad blobs of panic!
Diabolical? You ain’t even one tiny twist.
It makes me puke to think that you exist!
Satan
You don’t make us sad, mad, or even bitter.
So we humbly beg you to reconsider.
Trump
No. Until you produce what I request
I am convinced it’s really for the best
if you reiterated my fine demand
to the chief commander of your pathetic land.
Satan
You’re suggesting that we return to Hell?
Trump
I’m telling you as plain as I can tell!
I’ve got work. Many careers to destroy,
and your babbling obstructs my potent joy!
(Satan and Beelzebub depart, descending again to Hell.)

Scene 7
God
What the hell is going on down there?
Angelic Assistant
To find out, first I’ll have to clear the air.
(Angelic Assistant fans vigorously.
Squints down to Earth.)
From what’s observable from our position
is a rather astounding, rare condition.
The president of the whole USA
has now inexplicably turned away
two head demons Beelzebub and Satan.
Trump insists he’s sick and tired of waitin’
on a major payment from down below.
God
What? Trump expects some serious cash flow
from Lucifer all the way up to Earth?
doesn’t the fucker have enough net worth?
Angelic Assistant
He’s gone bankrupt half a dozen times.
Been convicted of some serious crimes.
Might be feeling a trifle insecure.
God
His motives then, are rather far from pure.
Angelic Assistant
On that point I can hardly disagree.
God
In truth, these developments seem to me
to call for some seriously grave moves.
Angelic Assistant
Certainly, whatever you, the Lord approves
I’d be glad to execute implementation.
God
However I address the situation?
Angelic Assistant
Yes, Sir, you surely know that my vocation
demands my unremitting obligation
to requests or demands that you might make.
God
You declare this, no matter what’s at stake?
Angelic Assistant
Could mot consider any other course.
God
Even if I offered my potent force
to mighty Satan himself? Does that change
your attitude?
Angelic Assistant
                         This may sound rather rude,
and I can’t imagine you are serious!
God
Hah, my friend, so you think I’ve gone delirious?
Angelic Assistant
Sir, I say with immense great reverence
such a gesture violates common sense!
When, since the our realm’s incredible foundation
have you ever indulged in such a deviation?
God
Honestly, no, but times have greatly changedas the world’s become increasingly deranged.
There are times when I’m compelled
intervene
at least a bit, to modify the scene.
Angelic Assistant
But introducing Satan’s antithetical
or, truth to tell, is downright goddamn heretical!
God
Dear friend, you truly seem to be forgetting
that I don’t really need eternal vetting.
As the official universal big-wheel
I can concoct whatever I may feel
promotes the cause of righteousness and hope.
Angelic Assistant
But Sir, does this not exceed the scope
of what you’re legitimately allowed to do?
God
Holy shit, dude, what has come over you.
I’m God, and am pretty much permitted
to act, even if it’s totally half-witted
or seems to be, taken at first glance.
Angelic  Assistant
How on Earth will you execute your plans?
God
Make Satan an offer he can’t refuse.
Simply turn the nasty ol’ son-bitch loose
to tangle with this Trumpian load of shit.
So haul your ass down to the flaming pit
and lay out for Satan my kind proposal
to put this billionaire at his disposal!
Angelic Assistant
Sir, I’ve never ventured down there before.
God
Trust me! It’ll be an inspiring chore!
The situation there’s always exciting.
It features absolutely unmatched lighting
and sounds of wailing that you would not hear
up above in a billion billion years.
Angelic Assistant
OK. Guess I’m, um, ready to descend.
God
Bon voyage, and best of luck ol’ friend.
(Angelic Assistant enters elevator and descends to Hell.)
God
We must hope this major plot succeeds,
though it’s not clear what Satan wants or needs.
Meanwhile, I’ll spend a bit more time viewing
what my sworn enemies are really doing.
(God peers down into Hell with his powerful telescope.)

Angelic Assistant
(Appears spontaneously, exempt from normal entry procedures at Hell’s gate.)
Greetings, my dearest brothers, fallen ones.
This not one of my ordinary runs,
but there is no compelling reason for you to fear.
Satan
Holy shit, what brings your sorry ass down here?
Angelic Assistant
Well, God would like to offer his assistance.
Satan
Assistance? God’s? Down here there might be some resistance
to such an unaccountably drastic measure.
Angelic Assistant
God’s proposal’s offered for his own pleasure.
Satan
Why would we be inclined to pleasure Him—
ol’ windbag boss of useless Cherubim?
Angelic Assistant
It concerns a rather significant stash
of what’s for you is—quite a bit of cash.
On the order of precisely a sum
of a trillion dollars, which can come
to you in whatever form you find convenient.
Satan
Why did that old bastard get so lenient?
Angelic Assistant
He knows the American president
has demanded that sufficient funds be sent
direct to him in order to prevent
him from falling behind another leader.
Satan
We’re well aware that we must quickly meet or
possibly even exceed Trump’s grotesque demands.
Angelic Assistant
But can you do it, without some helping hands?
Satan
No. We definitely do need substantial loans.
Angelic Assistant
For excessive punishment of you, God atones:
He’ll hand you that trillion, with one stipulation:
that you hand it to Trump without hesitation.
Satan
We’ll have to see if Lucifer will approve
of such an unprecedented move!
Satan
As you know, he’s the major boss down here.
Angelic Assistant
Of that, I’m actually quite well aware!
Goodbye, for now. Do handle things with care!
(Angelic Assistant reascends.)
Satan
Godammit! Lucifer’s dead asleep again.
Come on! wake the old bastard up, my men.
How long has he lingered in this
condition?
Diabolical Assistant
Ever since his illicit acquisitionof narcotics explicitly designed
to cast in darkest fog his largest mind.
Satan
It’s high time to sabotage his goddam trance again
and bring the bastard out to where and when
and here and now and where without remorse
to restore his amazing ancient force.
Beelzebub
Massage him with your finest firmest grip . . .
Satan
from throbbing bottom to its tingling  tip.
(Satan and Beelzebub restore Satan to his previous condition of penis erectus.)
Lucifer
What? You guys are reviving me once more?
Satan
It’s actually an agreeable chore.
Lucifer
Is it required that I be resurrected?
Satan
Yes. There’s all sorts of evil we’ve neglected.
We now confront quite a challenging chore
the particulars of which you should learn more.
Lucifer
I’m a bit curious, so please explain.
Satan
There exists one very powerful dude up on Earth with an uncanny attitude.
Lucifer
Now that’s hardly a major revelation!
Satan
Here’s more details of the situation:
the president of the United States
is demanding that we pay him, Lord,
far more than we can possibly afford.
Lucifer
Pay him for what? Some nasty service rendered?
Besides, you know we never have
surrenderedto accepting bribery. The place
for that’s up there with the clueless human race.
We’ve successfully tempted them to yield
to payoffs in every single field
from political offices to all
disciplines and fields, be they great or small.
Satan
True enough, the field of human corruption
has grown without significant disruption
since the very beginning of all time.
Lucifer
Yes, those humans are experts on one thing: crime.
Well, at least they can’t target me for blame.
Humans were made totally in God’s big name.
They’d enjoy a much  better situation
if He’d made ’em less subject to temptation.
Satan
Yes, but their weakness makes our work a breeze.
Lucifer
Which lets me to rest and relax with ease.
Satan
But we now face an interesting proposal
with a cool trillion at our immediate disposal.
Lucifer
What? That’s more than enough to pay for my vacation!
What a cause for ongoing celebration!
Satan
Sir, please recall a trillion is the amount
Trump’s demanding to be put in his account.
Lucifer
We turn over that whole big wad of cash?
That’s insanely, prodigiously, ludicrously rash.I tell you what. If he really wants that dough
He’ll have to meet with us down
here below.
Satan
Sir, that seems like a plausible request.
We’ll shoot back up, and put it to the test.
(Satan and Beelzebub enter elevator to upper Earth.)

God
Truly a fascinating development!
Satan and Beelzebub have been sent
above to lure the current President
down into Hell to accept the money leant
direct by Me down to the mortal pit.
God only knows what will become of it.
Wait. I’m God. But I cannot claim to know
the outcome of this most mysterious show.
Angelic Assistant
Sir, such uncertainty is to be expected.
You’ve forcefully, eternally neglected
that monster, Satan, and his den of demons
so your insight into their twisted scheming
can’t be completely unanticipated.
God
So, has my omniscience long been overrated?
Such comments could be viewed as heresy.
Angelic Assistant
For now, let’s leave that to theology.
God
Well, I do that somewhat reluctantly
since I’m its major subject, after all.
The father of religious protocol.
Angelic Assistant.
Agreed. But for now we must simply make
certain there’s no irredeemable mistake
in our treaty with Satan and his crew.
God
(Sighing with obvious annoyance.)
It seems such an ungodly thing to do!
Scene 8
Satan
Mister President, it’s good to see youonce again.
Trump
We’ve met? I don’t recall exactly when.
What exactly is the purpose of this visit.
Valid—or deliciously  illicit?
Satan
It concerns your unprecedented request
for a trillion-dollar unconditional behest.
Trump
Oh yes, I now do fully recollect
that demand. Do tell, when I might expect
payment, direct from Satan, I believe.
Satan
The funds can be released on one condition
set by a diabolical commission.
Trump
I’m really more than eager to comply.
Satan
It does require you, Great Sir, to fly.
Trump
Fly where? I’m familiar with all forms
of air traffic—skies clear or full of storms.
Beelzebub
And sleet or hail or rain or blinding snow
or whatever else comes twirling down below?
Trump
Of course. I’m leader of the whole dang free
world and can survive any inclemency.
Satan
This trip involves a real profound descent
to where honest humans are never meant
to travel, as truthful conduct is required.
Trump
Now you’ve got me heavily inspired!
Honesty and forthrightness is my goal!
They are, indeed, the engines of my soul!
Please reveal your ultimate destination.
Satan
Sir it is my own ultimate pleasure to tell
you that our destination is deep down in Hell.
Trump
Oh yes, I’ve long been curious about that site!
Can you just give me time to book a flight?
Prospects of real estate down there are some temptation!
Satan
And never subject to  ravages of inflation.
Trump
Oh, but I’m sure new markets’ll boost all  prices!
We can divvy it up in dicey slices.
Jack  stuff up! Book a goddam flight tonight.
Satan
Sir, there’s no real reason that you book a flight.
We can easily convey you right
direct down to the very deepest pit.
Trump
Well, then, my friends, let’s get on with it!
(The three begin descent toward Hell.)
Scene 9
God
Holy Hell! Watch those three guys in free fall!
Angelic Assistant
Trump’s major heft must really speed up them all!
God
Looks like they’re continuing to accelerate.
Angelic Assistant
Damn right! They just busted right through the gate.
God
I thought they aimed for a direct descent . . .
Angelic Assistant
Straight down to their anti-firmament?
Well, sometimes their plans are not quite exact.
God
Nevertheless, they put on one fine act.
Let’s observe this incredible proceeding
to determine how our demons are proceeding.
Angelic Assistant
Me too, because I’m terribly perplexed
as to what those geniuses might dream up next!
Scene 9
Satan
Trump! Here you behold the depths of Hell
in all their horror . . .
Trump
                                and glory as well!
Satan
A very interesting, fresh way to view
what we regard as mere eternal stewwhere nasty folks are repeatedly cooked
and recooked for a whole eternity.
Trump
Seems entirely and completely just to me!
Satan
Sir, you have certainly been patient waiting
for the payment you’ve been anticipating.
Trump
I’m not in an exceptional hurry.
No need to hustle, bustle around or scurry.
I would not mind to see a few more features.
Ha! Maybe a few flaming old impeachers
ad sick bastards who tried to do me in.
Satan
Hmmmm. Well, how strange is to have to admit Sir
we simply don’t have any to exhibit Sir.
Trump
You mean to say they’re all alive and well?
That’s not my vision of a perfect Hell!
I thought you’d have ’em rounded up by now!
Beelzebub
Sir, as much as we’d both like to take a bow
for rounding up the folks opposing you
It’s not something we’re allowed to do.
Satan
The way things work, God Himself decides
who drops down here, and who to Heaven glides.
Trump
What? I always thought you’d personally snatch
who you wanted—and easily could catch
any pervert sicko eligible for Hell.
Satan
No Sir. We cannot personally drag them in.
We must rely on their propensity to sin.
Our main duty is to provide temptation
in every imaginable situation—
compelling ’em to sin their asses off.
Trump
Gentlemen, I do not intend to scoff
but I believed you had far greater force
that mere basic temptation, but of course
I can forgive you for that major flaw
though I no longer feel such awesome awe
of your skill in pushing true depraved behavior
that wound up with humans crying for a savior.
Satan
Surely you must  take immense delight
in observing humans’ pathetic plight.
Trump
I do indeed. Yes, it amazes me
how niggers whine about inequity
and bitch and moan about white bigotry
when it was us whites who set those ingrates free.
Satan
So diversity, equity, and inclusion
is nothing but a savage, sick  intrusion
on rights of whites to reign in domination,
and live free from sexual obliteration!
Trump
I could not have put it one tiny bit more clear!
Even worse is the existence of queer
bisexual twisted homoerotic
multi-gendered disgustingly exotic
masturbating ejaculating pricks
forever turning their perverted tricks.
(Trump frantically claws at his crotch.)
Churning, burning, yearning, wracked with lust.
dedicated to thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust!
Satan
Would you like to view  our instruments of pain?
Trump
By all means! I’m fascinated with means
of torture.  Manual or with big machines
Satan
Behold our collection of whips and burners
and various bombs to speed up slow learners.
You’d think that with a whole eternity
they’d get the point as quick as one-two-three,
but most are simply so goddamn dense
reality can’t reach their foggy sense.
Trump
So you have to flog them repeatedly.
Seems like a waste of energy to me.
Satan
Us devil enjoy the opportunity
to flog all the losers repeatedly.
Trump
Hand me a whip, and let me have a go
at what seems a majjor diversion here below.
Or better yet, a gigantic loaded gun
might provide a tasty round of fun.
Oh shit, before I completely forget
I’d like full payment of your major debt.
I’ll take any and all denominations.
Or in the words of that famous Getty, ol’ J. Paul:
All all all all all all all all all!
(Trump dances in triumph.)
Satan
Sir, our situation’s no longer steady
and I must tell you that we’re not quite ready
to submit the trillion that you’ve demanded.
Trump
What? Wait. What? Wait! What kind of underhanded
illegal immoral nonsense are you talking?

We made a deal—and now you guys are balking?
You’re actually considering not paying?
Satan
Sir, that is exactly what I’m now saying.
Trump
But what can possibly be your reason?
Deceiving ME IS tantamount to treason.
Do you have any idea what I could do
if you and your big team fail to come through?
Satan
I know quite well what we can execute.Don’t you recall, we’re nasty at the root.
Our major recreation is sheer tormenting
anybody convicted of dissenting
form God’s manifests, commandments and decrees.
Trump
But for Christ sake—that puts you on God’s side!
Satan
It renders us, well, damnn near deified!
And we very much enjoy that situation.
To torture with Almighty approbation
is for us an absolutely wondrous thrill.
You’ll understand us better if you will
patiently submit to our torture program
designed by God, who said I Am that Am.
Trump
That’ sheer heresy—totally bizarre!
I am that am, you are you are you are—
you are—absolutely totally out of line.
What in  the hell allows you to design
torture for a great man who you owe
a trillion that you promised to bestow
on me on  me to me me me me me.
Beelzebub
Did we promise to grant anything for free?
Satan
I don’t recall, but it don’t’ mean shit to me.
After all, we’re God’s masters of deceit.
Outright lying makes our tacky lives complete!It’s the very essence of deviltry
to deceive through all eternity.
Beelzebub
Deceive, lie, cheat, bamboozle  . . .
Satan
                               falsely frame!
It’s our very essence—our major game.
I’m frankly shocked that you did not detect
some symptoms of our twisted intellect
(Satan takes large tongs from his set of tools and snaps it in Trump’s face.)
Trump
What are you about to do? Put that thing down.
Satan
Deploying it has brought me some renown,
and yes, indeed, as far as I can see
I’ll wield it for one long eternity.
Trump
What? Where? How long am I obliged to stay?
Satan
(Pressing Trump’s nose with tongs.)
Maybe as long as we desire to play.
(Beelzebub grabs another clamp and grips Trump’s thigh.)
Trump
Ooooh! Ow!Stop it, stop it now. Stop it now.

Beelzebub
I’m sorry, Sir, but we—simply —don’t know how.
(Trump screams, curses incoherently, then goes silent.)

art by openart.ai

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