(NOTE: Dear Readers, this article was written several years before Ronald Reagan actually died, hence the headline The Search for Ronald Reagan’s Grave. At the time this was penned we were quite earnest about finding it. We now all know where it is and we show it to you at the end.)
The gang was all there at Chasens Restaurant in Hollywood February 6th, to celebrate the 85th birthday of that lovable old godfather of the Republiklan, Ronald Wilson Reagan. In a special edition of Larry King Live! George Bush showered praise on the “Gipper,” as did Newt Gingrich, George Shultz, and Alexander Haig. Charlton Heston was there, too, issuing pompous platitudes.
The Reagan birthday party was truly a star-studded event, attended by bankers and actors, athletes and authors; right wing intellectuals like Marlon Fitzwater, Jeanne Kirkpatrick, and Jerry Ford, were also present. In short, it was the greatest display of the corrupt and the infirm since Richard Nixon was buried, though it was not nearly as festive an occasion.
Though all the hoodlums and capitalists and devils were there, the man who brought them all together was not. For the first time in memory, Ronald Reagan missed a curtain call.
His daughter, Patty Davis, known for bearing family secrets and more, revealed the reason her father did not appear: it seems Ronald Reagan no longer likes crowds. This new aversion apparently is due to the progression of Alzheimer’s disease, a condition his daughter said was given to her father “by God.” If in fact Reagan was made senile by an act of the Almighty, then the Deity is truly a Compassionate God: such an affliction in the Gipper’s case would be a welcome gift indeed; surely no whole man could bear to spend his final days reflecting on his life having been responsible for the kind of suffering and unparalleled devastation that is the legacy of Ronald Reagan.
Despite Reagan’s absence, followers and sponsors alike uniformly heaped blessings upon him. Alexander Haig, a Republican word smith, best summed up the feelings of those gathered there when he said, “Over time (Reagan’s) reign as President has been looked at with nostalgia.” Without question there are those who yearn for another such “reign”: oil companies, speculators, counter-revolutionaries, drug smugglers and skinheads are among them.
Now some of our readers may think it unfair to make such a statement about Reagan since he no longer possesses the intellectual tools to defend himself. Others may question whether he ever did. But in truth it matters not whether he is feeble now or if he was feeble then; the fact remains that Ronald Reagan was the leader of a backward and destructive movement that, as Alex Haig pointed out, “changed the world.”
It did change the world. Ask any poor Latin American and they will tell you. Under King Ronald, the United States government and the murderous regimes it supported in Central America beat back attempts by the people there to end war, hunger, poverty and class oppression. A hundred thousand innocent people were kidnapped, tortured and murdered by regimes His Majesty supported in El Salvador, Nicaragua and Guatemala. For what Ronald Reagan did in Latin America alone, he is doomed to spend an eternity in the most hideous compartment in hell.
Here at home, under the Reagan Monarchy, the poor became demonized even as they grew poorer; working people saw what remained of the “American dream” vanish before their eyes. Meanwhile the wealthy and the comfortable sprinkled gold on their food, drank imported vodka in crystal glasses with ice shaved from icebergs; they speculated on the market and made billions in scandalous Savings and Loans hoaxes, made possible by Reagan’s de-regulation of the industry—criminal activity that will ultimately be paid for by taxes on working people.
Then there was another of the great Reagan scams — the build up of a terrible war machine to defeat the “evil empire.” (For those too young to remember, the “evil empire” was a term Reagan coined to describe the Soviet Union, now known as Russia.)
This great wicked empire was for time an ally. Other things have changed there, too; now major corporations are free to make investments in Russia, build factories, exploit labor, and import and export products — especially weapons. In fact, many Russian workers fight each other for the “opportunity” to work in such factories, jobs being a scarcity there now. And one can honestly say that the food lines in Moscow are gone — at least for those fortunate enough to have a job. Now workers earning wages plod through the snow and queue up in the warm and cheery food lines at McDonalds. Outside in the bitter cold, those without work, along with old women and veterans, beg for handouts.
The defeat of the East Bloc came with a very large price tag. But it mattered not to the Reagan Monarchy since the cost of the war machine that brought down the “Iron Curtain” was paid for by loans guaranteed by taxpayers. When the wealthy complained about having to carry their share of the burden, Reagan simply cut their taxes, explaining such a move was necessary to “stimulate the economy.” As a consequence of these “revolutionary” policies, during the Reagan Monarchy, the national debt tripled. Yet, students of Reaganism — Newt Gingrich, Bob Dole and Bill Clinton, among them — blame the poor and the needy for the national debt! They have learned their lessons well.
Ronald Reagan’s birthday party was broadcast world wide by CNN. It had the feel of yet another clumsy piece of state-sponsored propaganda. There was no joy there, even as the rogues and thieves and scoundrels feigned smiles.
But the truth is they have nothing to smile about…They are living on borrowed time. You see, the editors of Mindfield have learned from our resident astrologer that we are emerging from a period of nineteen years of darkness. Yes, it’s a cosmic fact — we are entering a new era now. And so we believe we must do something to record this epochal change, brought about as it was almost single-handedly by one man.
Past generations that are now dust have pyramids and obelisks to mark such events: it is time we erect one of our own. And what better way to commemorate the stupendous changes that have taken place on this earth than to erect a monument to Ronald Reagan.
Our editors have some ideas about such a memorial; perhaps our readers do as well. But one thing is certain: it must contain The Gipper’s remains.
We suspect someone already has plans for Ronald Reagan’s remains, once they become available. So, to prepare for the dawn of this new era and properly mark the one passing, we must first locate Reagan’s grave site. Otherwise, we may be deprived of a chance to help construct a fitting monument.
Now some of our sentimental readers may say too soon! He isn’t even dead yet! But the pharaohs began constructing their tombs decades before their deaths. Clearly, efforts to immortalize the reign of Ronald Reagan are far behind schedule. Death, after all, is only a formality. Besides, our correspondents in hell have confirmed that Ronald Reagan is already spiritually dead, and has been for more than forty years.