(Dear Readers: The following was penned in 1994 while “Pistol” Pete Wilson was governor of California — long before he served as campaign manager for the current governor, Arnold Schwarzenegger.)

WITH THE BLESSING of Pat Robertson and the Christian God, the Newt Gingrich-Jesse Helms-Robert Dole Klan seized political power in Washington in 1994. And when the day finally arrived for the grand dragon and his wizards to be sworn into office, most onlookers realized they were witnessing history in the making. It was a moment not unlike the return of the Ayatollah Khomeini to Iran; across the nation, fanatics chanted, “GOD IS GREAT!”

Meanwhile in California, Pete Wilson, another member of the New Age Old South Republiklan, was sworn into office, elected in large measure due to his promise not to run for President. Governor Wilson is next of kin to Newt, Jesse and Bob, though on the surface there is little apparent physical resemblance: Wilson does not have the rum-ruddy glow of a Gingrich nor the evil aura of a Dole; he looks more like David Duke than Jesse Helms. Yet while these men may not appear to be related, all are brothers, offspring of the union of big business and the religious Reich. And theirs is a family that preys together.

BUT JUST LIKE ANY FAMILY, there are areas where brothers differ. Wilson has from time to time attempted to distance himself from Newt, Jesse and Bob when troubled by their shenanigans. It is something like Jimmy Carter’s embarrassment at brother Billy’s alcoholism; he apologized to anyone who might have been offended then declared unconditional love for his sibling.

Though the gov-naur occasionally appears somewhat uneasy with his brother’s affiliation with the kill-them-if-they-are-not-like-us sect, the differences between Wilson and his brethren are less-than skin deep. Just ask any insider and they will tell you Wilson feels as comfortable with Jesse Helms as any Republican does in a bank…

Still, Wilson has disagreed with brothers Bob, Newt and Jesse on some issues. For example, unlike others in the Republiklan, Wilson has gone on record supporting a woman’s right to choose; she can choose to be a “good Christian” and have a baby (even if she is a child herself) as long as she does not expect any help or support from the government, and she can choose to terminate an unwanted pregnancy if she has the money and/or insurance, if the abortion clinic is safely contained in a bunker and her doctor survives all assassination attempts.

Pete Wilson also claims to be an environmentalist. This is roughly akin to cousin Rush Limbaugh claiming membership in the Rainbow Coalition. Still, the governor insists he cares deeply about the earth and its ecosystems. In a nod to California’s alfalfa sprout-tofu burger yuppies, Wilson advocates a “rational” policy toward old-growth redwoods, meaning they should not be clear-cut by foreigners intent on making furniture and chopsticks; hot tubs and backyard decks, however, represent a legitimate use of such natural resources.

Yet despite such differences, Wilson is fiercely loyal to the Republiklan family name and the fundamental principles it embodies; he has consistently fought to slash taxes for the rich while cutting welfare for the poor; the gov-naur has routinely supported efforts to break strikes, bust unions and raise taxes for working people while cutting the benefits workers need most when jobs are scarce. And California’s leader of the GOP has led the fight to rob funds from counties and cities, decimate school districts and level the infrastructure of the state while blaming the crisis of capitalism on immigrants and affirmative action.

Yes, there is no mistaking the family resemblance between Pete and Jesse, Bob and Newt. And just as that other political dynasty — the Kennedy Brothers — had the unrelenting biological urge to fornicate, so does the Republiklan feel compelled to screw the working class and the poor. It’s a Bubba thing. And Wilson is intent upon establishing his Bubba credentials. He even claims to be from the south– southern California, that is.

In Pete Wilson’s State-of-the-State address, the man who would not run for president attempted to set the tone of his non-campaign while firmly establishing his loyalty to the Republiklan. The governor announced sweeping cuts of social services, increases in fees for students at the University of California, and, at the heart of his program, drastic tax cuts for the rich. In lock step with brother Newt, Wilson also proposed creating “little” orphanages for the children of families with big financial problems. The mayor of San Diego and a Wilson supporter described the governor’s program as a “tough love” approach to California’s problems, which makes Wilson the most notorious child abuser in the history of this state.

There are those who might ask: “If Wilson is so bad, how did he get reelected?”

The answer is the California Demographic Party. Wilson’s opponent, Kathleen Brown, was so anxious to appear to be a blood-and-guts Republican she disowned members of her family– brother Jerry and father Pat, both of whom served terms as governor! Perhaps even more startling was her challenge to Wilson to debate her “like a man.” Her remarks were presumably designed to make the governor appear “weak” and “cowardly,” attributes good Republicans associate with — well, with women. Still, if Brown’s remark was below the belt, feminists didn’t seem to mind; they embraced her with as much enthusiasm as Gloria Steinem endorses clothing lines manufactured by women in sweatshops.[1]

Wilson was elected governor largely due to Brown’s pitiful campaign AND because the Demographic Party has about as much backbone as Bill and Hillary Clinton. But the one issue which really propelled Wilson into office and the national spotlight was Proposition 187.

Proposition 187 was a ballot initiative sponsored by a coalition of corporations and wealthy individuals whose goal was to blame the economic crisis on workers from other countries — workers the corporate-owned media prefer to refer to as “illegal aliens.”

Yet, ironically, this writer has learned Pete Wilson himself is not from California. In fact the gov-naur is an outsider who slipped into the state in an effort to exploit the generous benefits provided those elected to public office here. The sad truth is Pete Wilson is an Illegal Aryan — a card-carrying goose-stepping son of the “master race.”

Some might ask: what proof do you have? Well, using the governor’s own criteria in such matters, we respond: he looks like an illegal Aryan and he talks like one. Consequently, we have no choice but to ask: Where were you born, governor?

THERE WERE OTHER CRIMES committed by Wilson in his lifelong quest to become president: There are other laws he violated, edicts he ignored, principles he defiled. You see, besides being an illegal Aryan, Pete Wilson has committed wide scale fraud against the taxpayers of California, diverting funds intended for schools and public work projects to tax relief for his supporters. Even more reprehensible is the fact that Pete Wilson has consistently violated California’s child labor laws; he has deliberately forced young children to go door-to-door selling baked goods and magazines in order to keep their schools open.

There apparently is no limit to his corruption and no border he would not cross in its pursuit…

Weak-kneed liberals will argue for clemency for Pete Wilson and his brothers suggesting their crimes are the result of “forces beyond their control.” Yes cappuccino liberals will ask us to understand that individuals like Wilson and Rush Limbaugh are the result of a “repressed childhood” and a “twisted experience”; they will suggest Limbaugh, Wilson and other illegal Aryans are “unable to separate right from wrong, truth from fiction,” that theirs is “a social disease.” That is what some liberals will argue — that such sick and demented individuals deserve understanding and compassion.

But we say the people have already suffered enough! It is time those who commit such crimes be held accountable for their deeds!

As Californians there is little we can do about individuals like Rush Limbaugh other than boycott sponsors of his big brother broadcast; as the Reich minister of propaganda, his domain is one which crosses state boundaries. Besides, the Supreme Court has ruled neo-fascists like Limbaugh have the right to freedom of speech. Regarding other members of the Republiklan, we think it only fitting and proper they be tried and punished at the scene of their crimes.

BUT PETE WILSON lives in our state (when he isn’t on a fund raising junket); he resides in our buildings, is paid by our taxes. Like it or not, for the time being, he is our problem.

We could probably put the governor in jail for his crimes, but he would only write a book and play tennis; we could force him to work for a living, but outside of politics and the pulpit, there are few job opportunities for a charlatan.

Yet there is something we can do. There are statutes that derive their authority from a Source Higher than the courts and the Constitution. Such things are known as ecumenical law. Given the gravity of Pete Wilson’s crimes, we have no recourse but to impose a penalty which is consistent with such God-given rules — punishment that fits the crime. Therefore, we declare that Pete Wilson must be immediately banished. We call upon the Cosmic Power of the Godhead to quickly dispatch him to that place where others of his ilk have been exiled, to that den of iniquity where the wicked bake in infernal heat, to that bottomless pit where serpents slither and devils strut. In the name of Righteousness and All That Is Good, we urge those who still believe the world can be a better place to Get Organized, focus your Soul Power and deport Pete Wilson to Utah where he belongs…

[1] Gloria Steinem has endorsed clothing produced by Jessica McClintock, a firm that purchases large quantities of its inventory from sweatshops where workers (the majority of whom are women) labor under dreadful conditions. One major contractor with McClintock was recently sued by workers when they received no pay whatsoever.

NOTE: The term “cappuccino liberals” was first coined here.